I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Found your dick twin last night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
