god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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