two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
