Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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