i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just want nice things and good sex
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
