nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
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Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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