Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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