i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
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