Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The uberlube is also flammable
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