happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
