You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
