I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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