dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
