My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
