I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
