I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
