so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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