Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
