I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
