I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she told me i tasted like america
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
