That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You took a bar mat shot.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
