apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
