I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
