you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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