her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
