I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
