I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
