what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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