He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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