You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
