Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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