Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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