Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
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His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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