You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
