Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I could fuck to npr.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
