i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
