i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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