i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
