Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You left your phone here
Wait...
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