I wish I could teleport
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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