So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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