my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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