That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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