Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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