I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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