I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
