I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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