There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
