remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
