I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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