Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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