wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
