i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
