we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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