I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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