i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
