dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
