someone threw a dead crab at me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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