the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
