So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
True college students do jello shots in the library
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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