did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I am one with the molecules
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
